Why KY Jelly Sellers Are Making A Fortune From BankersArticle Category: Finance
The CIA once issued their field agents with an escape kit that needed to be secreted away in the back passage! How much escape and evasion paraphernalia would a banker need to achieve the same ghost-like skills? A lot, which means good news for KY Jelly sales. Here are just a few of the things that a banker might need to aid his escape from the seething masses:
Chester A. Arthur Mask"Who?", you say. Exactly. Arthur was the 21st President of the United States of America (which is probably why most of you wouldn’t recognise his name). It makes sense to be anonymous which is why bankers will be wearing Chester Arthur masks as they join the rats in deserting the sinking ship.
Instructions: Whilst customers run round, screaming as their bank goes into meltdown, simply duck behind your desk, don your mask. Now calmly leave the building.
Blow Up DollBlow up dolls aren't the preserve of perverts – they're the perfect solution to convincing the public that someone is still at the banks tiller. In fact, it could be argued that a blow up doll would do a far better job than many of the current heads of the big banks.
Instructions: Inflate your blow up doll. Dress it in your spare set of clothes. Now place the doll in your seat before exiting the building. Nobody will be able to tell the difference!
Gas MaskFrom the trenches of World War I to the nightmare scenario of a world engulfed by zombies; the gas mask is a staple ingredient of a foreboding sense of a slow painful death. Apart from the rather minor worry of being lynched by their customers, the bankers have few worries about the threat of death. But they do have the stench of failure hanging about them.
Instructions: fail miserably to deliver that which you're paid handsomely to deliver. Just before the overpowering whiff of doom rolls over you, don your gas mask and continue on your merry way with complete indifference to the losses of your customers.
Acting Union CardWhen Gwyneth Paltrow gave a one million line Oscar acceptance speech back in 1999 nobody doubted that she was genuine. The same can't be said for some bankers. How many times have we heard phrases like, "Had I known I would have done something about it." Or “Honestly, I didn't know my employees were gaming the system, honest"? The head of the banks face looks genuinely shocked that his staff would stoop so low as to use the dirty tricks (that he used in his day)!
Instructions: When you're caught red-handed, feign absolute innocence. Lie to a board of politicians whilst under oath but keep a smug grin on your face at all times (because your bank is 'too big to fail' and the government is going to give you even more money to
Fake Suicide Note"Dear Investors, in light of my failings I have decided that I should throw off this mortal coil. By the time you read this note I will have attached very large rocks to my body and thrown myself into the deepest part of the Atlantic Ocean. I have also anonymously donated the millions in my bank account to a charity. I will not name the recipient charity as I do not wish to embarrass them. Instructions: You've lied so far so why stop now? Nobody is going to look for your body in the deep, blue sea and your money isn't really going to a charity – it's been transferred to your off shore account. Now go and enjoy your Bolivian retirement.
A Copy Of The Great EscapeWe all need inspiration from time to time. The iconic image of Paul Newman jumping barbed wire on a stolen motor cycle has to be the one of the coolest ever seen. Unless your bank is located on a rundown street in some nightmarish depiction of a post-apocalyptic future you’re not likely to see much in the way of barbed wire.
Instructions: Read, digest then build a replica of a World War II transport aircraft. Make sure there’s enough room for all your girlfriends and several large crates of champagne. Take off and never come back.
Key To An Articulated TruckWhy? How else is your friendly banker going to transport his bonus out of the country? Now you know why your local pharmacist is going to be doing a roaring trade in KY Jelly – that’s an awfully large escape kit that needs to be inserted in a bankers backside!
Written by James Redden
Copyright © The Calculator Site
Article date: 31 July 2012